MRI of human brain experiencing naughty thoughts.

By Ben Suroeste

LONDON – Taking what regulators described as “the next logical step in the protection of British youth and dignity,” the UK’s Office of Communications (Ofcom) has created a new sub-agency to police English thought. The Authority for Mental Impressions On-Demand will police an area of non-communication the agency referred to as “a dangerously unregulated environment” and “ongoing existential threat to national security.”

In a statement issued Monday, Ofcom said the internet-regulatory work of the Authority for Television on Demand (ATVOD) has revealed “a grave need to expand enforcement to the increasingly troublesome realm of overly naughty English thought,” a sentiment echoed in the first public statements to come from AMIOD.

“While our existing efforts to prevent British dominatrices from distributing ball-kicking videos clearly are necessary and effective, we must do more to maintain English purity not just in deed and expression, but in potential intent and latent fantasy, as well,” said Edna Hogshart, who was introduced as AMIOD’s inaugural Director of General Appropriateness. “We cannot sit idly by whilst men pleasure themselves to vague recollections of women they saw standing in line at Heathrow, or indulge in randy thoughts about soiled undergarments of the sort sold in Japanese vending machines.”

Hogshart said while there will be certain challenges in detecting, identifying, locating, verifying and containing overly naughty thoughts, the legal foundation for AMIOD’s mission and the social imperative driving it are overwhelming.

“At a very basic level, in order to do something truly awful one must first conceive of doing it,” Hogshart said. “If preventing crime is the goal, obviously the most effective means of accomplishing the goal is to simultaneously cut off and punish crime at its source: the human brain.”

To assist in its new decency-enforcement campaign, AMIOD will have powerful allies in the robust technological, psychological, entrepreneurial and prognosticative science communities around the globe. Using a combination of drone technology, advanced behavioral analytics, sophisticated algorithms and top-rated, painstakingly vetted California psychics, AMIOD will track far more than the sorts of data available to their media-minding peers at ATVOD.

“No question, ATVOD is doing amazing, vital, life-saving work in making a minor nuisance of itself within a small corner of the global adult entertainment industry, but by preventing Britons from doing things like picturing celebrities naked or considering laughing at fart jokes, we will be taking the safeguarding of the English public to a whole new level,” Hogshart said.

Not everyone in the U.K. is happy about the idea, however, particularly those who prefer to smoke tobacco in pipes, maintain unkempt beards, have names like Nigel or Simon and/or teach at places called something like The College of Darbyshireford on Thames-Manchester-Hitchens-Bath.

“This new regulatory office and its draconian, byzantine morass of Big Brother-inspired thought policing is straight out of Charles Dickens’ 2001: A Space Oddity,” said Professor Nigel Simon from The College of Darbyshireford on Thames-Manchester-Hitchens-Bath, while puffing on large, curved pipe. “Or maybe it’s from John Carpenter’s 1984: A Vampire’s Egress. I get those two confused sometimes. Cut me some slack. As an English intellectual and literary scholar, I do read a lot of books, you know.”

Nick Lynch, an expert on free speech in England, former front man for the 1980s punk band Amputated Flaming Hellcocks and frequent patron of The Silenced Wench Tavern in Bristol, also was critical of the newly established agency and its mission.

“Stupid fucking cunts, the lot of them,” Lynch said. “From Cameron, Blair and Thatcher on down—and that Reagan prick too, don’t forget about that fucking senile old wanker. He visited the graves of Nazis one time—fucking Nazis. Fucking what was that the fuck about, honestly?

“Now these uptight bastards aren’t content to just ruin porn, I mean fucking ruin it. Oh, no. Now they have to go fucking about inside our skulls too, just to make sure we’re not thinking about banging the wrong bird or having our arseholes licked by David fucking Beckham or whatever dumb shit. Bollocks! I hope they all drown in their own self-righteous piss, the fucking wankers.”

Hogshart was passionate in her defense of AMIOD and had some choice words of warning for the agency’s critics, as well.

“Believe me, those of us performing the solemn duty for which AMIOD was created don’t exactly relish the idea of listening in on the thoughts of our great nation’s unfortunately high number of immature, sports-obsessed, foul-mouthed drunks,” Hogshart said as she eyed a printed transcript of mental impressions emanating from soccer fans watching a match at nearby Goodison Park.

“We will also do our best to separate out those who are merely internally expressing their disgust with a red card erroneously issued to Steven Gerrard from those who might actually be fantasizing about having forceful anal sex with the referee who issued the booking,” she continued. “But make no mistake: If you harbor any manner of overly naughty thought, you will be on AMIOD’s radar—and most likely its sonar, microwave and infrared scanners, as well.”