Porn Director to Make Mainstream Transition in His 80s

HollywoodBlvdStreetSignROUBAIX, France – During the recent Festival du Film Pornographique, award-winning adult film director Alejandjob B. Inherpoopchute revealed a most unexpected plan for his post-porn years: He will transition to mainstream, Hollywood-style filmmaking.

“Today’s Hollywood dramas seem to have been written by mentally-deficient children,” he said.

In an interview with the French publication Sens Quotidien, Inherpoopchute criticized modern Hollywood dramas as “emotionally overwrought cinematic trash” and said recent comedies featuring the likes of Kevin Hart and Seth Rogan “made me want to gouge my eyes out with my soda straw by the time the opening credits were over.”

“Seriously, the only good things about Hollywood movies these days are the after-parties on debut nights,” Inherpoopchute said. “That’s all they have over us in the porn industry at this point: More reliable coke connections and better-looking escorts.”

Inherpoopchute made the comments on the second day of the Roubaix festival, where his latest pornographic work, The Rectumant, was nominated for nine awards, including Best Double-Penetration Scene, Best Director and Best Use of a Broom Handle in a Non-Sex Role.

Delving into some of his more specific gripes about Hollywood films, Inherpoopchute pointed to the “sad state of car chases in current cinema.”

“These car chases in mainstream film are brutal and needlessly damaging to some very, very nice rides,” Inherpoopchute said. “Plus, there’s just no context, no sense of why Mark Wahlberg took that last turn so fast he wound up on two wheels in his Cooper, or why Jason Statham had to stuff that Asian girl in the trunk before speeding through the streets of some Eastern European hellhole, rather than just having her ride shotgun like a normal human being.

“The bottom line is the focus is entirely on the chase itself, when what’s really interesting about car chases is the stuff that comes before and after the chase,” Inherpoopchute said. “Like finding a decent place to park, or gassing up your ride or having a really vicious argument with your wife, who can be such a bitch during weeks when you’re shooting because she’s totally convinced you have some kind of ‘thing’ going on with Sasha McTush, even though the most the two of you ever did was flirt a little at Buttdude’s last Christmas Party, for fuck’s sake.”

Inherpoopchute also complained about the lack of appeal from a man’s perspective when it comes to many Hollywood releases.

“For example, the only way you’re going to get me to watch Mother’s Day is if you literally weld my ass to a theater seat,” Inherpoopchute said. “We’re talking about a movie with Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson and Julia Roberts in it — all three of whom I’ve vigorously beat my meat to at some point in my life. So if I’m telling you I have zero interest in seeing this movie, despite the presence of three inarguably fine pieces of Hollywood ass, that’s really saying something about the male-deterrent factor inherent in rom-coms.”

Inherpoopchute has no immediate plans to go Hollywood, however, saying he has “much more to accomplish in porn first.”

“I figure I’ll transition to mainstream once I reach my 80s, because only then will I be naturally boring and lifeless enough to fit in with all those brain-dead, self-absorbed ‘Academy’ types,” Inherpoopchute said. “Plus, I figure by then my dick probably won’t work reliably no matter how much Caverject I shoot, so making more POV titles starring my patented super-pecker will be out of the question at that point.”

 

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Ben Suroeste

Gene Zorkin has been covering legal and political issues for various adult publications (and under a variety of pen names) since 2002.

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