Finally, Some Good News for the War on Terror

AtomicBombBlastBy Ben Suroeste

LONDON – It seems like every time I hear about the ongoing War On Terror, it’s either a lot of whining and moaning from liberal hippy peaceniks about how it’s “unwinnable” or “without end,” or grousing from tea-partying Ted Nugent types who believe U.S. President Barack Obama is secretly trying to lose said war so he can open up a mosque at the White House or bring in Louis Farrakhan as Attorney General, or something.

This is why I’m glad Americans count the Brits among their numerous substantial, loyal, several remaining allies on the world stage. Unlike some of other so-called friends, British leaders aren’t handcuffed by political correctness or mired in cultural relativism, so they can look at the cold hard facts of the War On Terror and call things as they see them.

When it comes to jihadists and calling it as he sees it, London Mayor Boris Johnson knows the perfect word to describe his adversaries: “Wankers.”

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn,” Johnson told The Sun. “They are literally wankers; severe onanists.”

[Side note: I’m so impressed by his candor, I might just rename my penis “Mayor Johnson” in tribute.]

All these porn-addicted jihadists, Johnson continued, are “tortured” as well as “badly adjusted in their relations with women,” which Johnson described as “a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them.”

“They are just young men in desperate need of self-esteem who do not have a particular mission in life, who feel that they are losers,” Johnson explained. “They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

Until this moment I hadn’t realized it, but reading Johnson’s words I can’t help but shudder. I just had a chilling realization: Every straight male goth kid back in high school was a jihadist.

I’ll look up all those guys on Facebook and report their current whereabouts to Interpol after I’m done here, but for now, let’s get back to terrorism, wanking and porn addiction.

I’m a guy who always wants to look for the silver lining (including on the inside of cans of American beer, but that’s another story), so I’d just like to point out the good news in Johnson’s observations.

As we already know from considering the words of other deep-thinkers on the subject of porn, jihadists can count on at least eleven terrible things happening to them as a result of their porn addiction and general wankerism.

Without so much as lifting a single counterterrorist finger, we know every married jihadist will soon be a divorced jihadist. We also know porn is going to injure their brains — although I must say where jihadists are concerned, it seems like somebody might have beaten porn to this one.

Porn will also diminish the jihadists’ respect for women, which will be a cruel blow indeed for a group of militant Muslims, obviously. After all, if there’s one thing we all know about radical Islamists, it’s how highly they regard women.

The best news from Johnson’s remarks, though, is an unprecedented opportunity for collaboration between the porn industry and elements of American and British national security infrastructure.

With the symbiotic relationship between jihadism and wankerism now firmly established, it is time for the porn industry to work side-by-side and hand-in-shorts with the CIA, NSA, PTA, NHL and MI-whatever to develop a Porn Weapon of Mass Destruction (“PWMD”).

Preying on the jihadists’ porn addiction, we will create a top-secret porn video so hot, so irresistible, so…wankeriffic, those poor bastards won’t be able to stop jerking off long enough to plant bombs, much less build them.

Once we have crafted our visual “fatwank,” it then becomes a simple matter of publishing our PWMD where we can be absolutely certain it will be seen by jihadists the world over (i.e. Pornhub), then sit back and let jihadists’ insatiable wankerist desires take over from there.

Now, the results won’t be seen overnight; even in a close-knit social network like that of the jihadists, viral spreading takes some time. Within a few weeks, however, we should start to see real results in Syria and Iraq, as ISIS fighters put down their RPGs and AKs and pick their iPads and tissue boxes.

Over time, the PWMD fatwank will spread — and along with it, all the other ruinous effects porn has on society. Before long, there won’t be a jihadist left on Earth who is willing to touch a real woman, thereby preventing the creation of future generations of jihadi porn addicts-to-be.

As always when dealing with covert operations, there exists the possibility of “blowback” if the military industrial pornplex is successful in creating PWMD. The risk might be minimal but it must be acknowledged, because we have to go into this mission with our eyes open and our zippers on strict lockdown.

If we’re not careful, our PWMD could be copied and detonated in Times Square, just as the Russians did in the 1970s. It took decades of effort and electing a douchebag like New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani to clean up that mess, and I’m not sure New York could survive another mass porn infection.

Still, when faced with a foe like these jihadists — abject, chronically-masturbating wankers though they may be — risk comes with the territory. Sexually desperate jihadist times sometimes call for desperate measures.

Someone call the Pentagon. It’s time to stop bombing and start filming.

Marty O'Brien

Raised in the Appalachian Mountains of Kentucky, Marty O'Brien was the first of the O'Brien clan to obtain a college degree. A former sports journalist, O'Brien got a peek at the inner workings of the adult entertainment industry while on an assignment to cover the Los Angeles Lakers. He joined the YNOT editorial team in late 2010 and now specializes in technology , business news and ogling starlets.

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