‘Deeply Troubling’ Pirate Porn on the Rise

pirate flagLONDON – Pirate-obsessed perverts are getting off on watching men with hooks for hands and parrots on their shoulders engaged in capturing a different sort of booty than that which usually interests seafaring brigands, an anonymous source has revealed.

“I’ve had guys asking for girls to dress like Blackbeard and William Kidd, even a couple who had combined their new obsession with an existing Asian fetish, inspiring them to request depictions of Cheung Po Tsai,” said a woman who requested anonymity, mostly so people won’t know I made her up, but also because she’s a “madam,” or whatever it is they call women who run prostitution rings these days. “The truly disturbed geezers, though, are the ones who have asked for a Captain Jack Sparrow lookalike to don gloves that look like a big pair of scissors, then perform motorcycle stunts in a high school parking lot whilst they watch and masturbate.”

The anonymous madam said she always responds to such requests with a “firm, resounding no” unless the John in question is “you know, really willing to part with a lot of cash.”

“Men with a pirate fetish are deeply troubling to me and possibly very dangerous to my girls,” the madam said. “I simply will not send out girls to be made to walk the plank or dressed up like some postmodern Anne Bonny unless the customer makes it very worthwhile to me.”

Just like the fearsome clown porn fetish that has the world in its disgusting, pancake-makeup-smeared grip, the new pirate porn trend is an “existential threat to the future of humanity,” according to another anonymous source who requested anonymity because he’s the Republican nominee for U.S. President.

“This pirate porn thing, let me tell you folks, it’s huge and it’s a big, big problem, because Crooked Hillary — can you believe how wide her ass is, by the way? — and the people who run the banks and the media, they want to open our borders to these pirates, just come on in guys, America is yours,” the source said, while oddly fixing his thumb and index finger into a shape vaguely reminiscent of an anus. “Under Obamacare, these illegal alien pirates can even get a free eye patch, and it’s not right, and we’re going to build a wall, because this Carlos Slim guy is just a giant loser and, we believe, a Mexican — which is fine, except he’s also into pirates, which is sick in a way that can’t be excused as locker room talk, and let me tell you, we just don’t win anymore in this country.”

Asked whether he could point to any evidence to support his inflammatory claims, the source said he “absolutely has ironclad evidence, straight from Wikileaks.”

“It’s pathetic, these emails of Hillary’s,” the source added. “And pirates are a big reason why, folks, a huge, major problem and let me tell you, Crooked Hillary loves pirates, because they go out on the ocean and capture young women for her husband to stick cigars inside and it’s a very, very big problem, not just here, but in Syria, where the pirates are also Muslim terrorists. And don’t even get me started on the Democrat-backed Somali pirates, another big, big problem I alone can solve.”

The anonymous madam said while she has received “a couple of requests” for girls to dress up like Somali pirates, she doesn’t think this manner of pirate fetish is as problematic as those seeking call girls to dress up like “more traditional” pirates.

“For starters, from a costuming perspective, dressing up like a Somali pirate is way cheaper,” the madam said. “All you need is some tattered old clothes, a couple bandoliers of machine gun ammunition and a rickety motor boat. I don’t recommend making blackface part of your getup, though. Even our most depraved clientele takes real offense at that sort of thing these days.”

Porn critic Rex Rod called into question the validity of the anonymous sources’ claims about pirate porn, saying he’s seen “no real evidence of an increase” in pirate porn production.

“While Pirates and its sequel are among the highest-grossing adult films ever made, pirate porn never really became a real trend or ‘niche’ within the industry,” Rod said. “Sure, you see the occasional homemade pirate porn on tube sites, but as for some explosive increase in pirate porn, I think it’s just social-media-hyped urban legend.”

Other observers are worried about pirate porn viewers acting out their fantasies in the real world — a possibility the anonymous Republican presidential nominee asserted has “already happened, billions of times.”

“You won’t read about it in the liberal media, because, no, no, let me tell you, in the old days, these pirates would have been treated very differently, folks, because we wouldn’t put up with pirates back then. We’d just kick their asses and send them back to Mexico, or Afghanistan, or wherever it is pirates are made,” the candidate said. “But now, there are all these pirate sanctuary cities, like New Orleans, where they even have a bar owned by some French pirate with a foot fetish. Seriously, can you believe that, folks? An American bar owned by a toe-sucking French pirate? I only speak the truth.”

 

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Ben Suroeste

Gene Zorkin has been covering legal and political issues for various adult publications (and under a variety of pen names) since 2002.

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