Russia: Tubes Have ‘Old, Redundant Content’

cyber copMOSCOW – In explaining its ban on popular porn tube sites SmutNucleus and EwePronz, the Russian media authority Roskomnadzor claimed it has blocked the two sites for offering “too much old, redundant content purloined from now-dead porn studios,” among other complaints.

“For experiment, we conduct search on both tube site for common, popular keyword ‘facial cumshot compilation,’ and what we find is clear statement site operators no longer cares about product, customer or users’ experiences,” said Yevgeny Platonov, a spokesman for Roskomnadzor. “While results were numbered many thousands, we observe very many clips which are duplicate each other, including hundreds with same small group of sperm-face American whore made by short, tattoo-splattered insurrectionist whose name of Jules Jordan.”

Platonov said similar problems plagued every major category and tag on both sites, including an “impermissible number of same gape butthole.”

“Variety is not just spice of life, but spice of the porno too,” Platonov said. “In age where every mobile is also potential porn video production equipment, how it is possible for modern tube site to rely on gaped butthole of dead and retire porn star? Where are new gaped butthole? Yes, sites are free, but this is not excuse for lack variety in cavernous anus depictions.”

While Roskomnadzor doesn’t often reverse itself once a website has been added to its list of banned or blocked sites, Platonov said SmutNucleus and EwePronz potentially could remove themselves from the list if they “respond appropriately to Roskomnadzor concerns.”

“Every day bring new opportunity for change in behavior, policy and pornos,” Platonov said. “All sites must do is change approach for pornos permit for uploading. Like the youtubes, pornos tube can make ‘fingerprinting’ of butthole gape video for comparison to future submission, thereby prevent upload of same anus-spreading days after days.”

Burt Burnt, EwePronz’s vice president of being quoted, said the Roskomnadzor ban is “arbitrary, capricious, haphazard, subjective, uninformed, indiscriminate and every other synonym Microsoft Word’s thesaurus function offers for arbitrary.”

“Even if there is a lot of redundancy between our videos in any given category, this is true of every user-generated content site, even the ones at which the ‘users’ generating the content are paid staff living in some third-world shithole,” Burnt said. “Singling us out for banning suggests to me there’s something else at issue here. Maybe the Russian government is getting ready to launch its own tube site, and they’re trying to proactively eliminate the competition?”

Platonov flatly denied the Russian government is about to start its own porn site, although his denial seemed to leave some wiggle room on the general subject of whether the government intends to participate in the adult industry in some other capacity.

“It is height of ridiculous and completely absurdities to say Russian government is about to launch pornos tube site,” Platonov said. “Everybody know money is all in the live cams now. Why we should go backwards when so many Russian women have broadband web connection and bedroom resource at their disposal?”

Wedespisesmut, a regular participant on the adult webmaster board SMH and noted adult industry conspiracy theorist, said he thinks the Roskomnadzor ban is “nothing but a classic piece of misdirection,” and accused both SmutNucleus and EwePronz of being “in bed with the Russians.”

“Think about it,” Wedespisesmut wrote in a recent post. “No sooner do we read about a possible connection between the South African government and SmutNucleus than we get Russia blocking the same site. This is no ‘coincidence.’ It’s a clever ruse designed to conceal the site’s connection to Vladimir Putin, who probably offered them hacked data from Hillary Clinton and the DNC in exchange for email addresses and passwords for all SmutNucleus forum users. Either that, or there’s an alien behind all of this — not the Mexican kind Trump wants to keep out with walls, but the spaceship-flying kind of alien, of which I’m pretty sure Trump is one.”

Representatives of SmutNucleus declined to comment for this story, saying they were too busy figuring out how many rubles to charge for a 90-day campaign for a left-side-menu skyscraper banner in the site’s anal section.

 

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Ben Suroeste

Gene Zorkin has been covering legal and political issues for various adult publications (and under a variety of pen names) since 2002.

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