Things Wimbledon has in Common With Porn

TennisLONDON – I don’t know about you, but I love all manner of trivia and guessing games, from classic board games like “Trivial Pursuit” and TV shows like Jeopardy! to my personal favorite guessing game which comes at the end of each Presidential administration’s lame duck term: “Which White Collar Criminals/Campaign Donors Get Pardoned This Time?”

When it comes to sports-related trivia, though, I’m admittedly not too knowledgeable. For instance, if you were to ask me who won the Super Bowl last year, offhand I might have known the winning team was the Baltimore Colts, but I for sure wouldn’t have known without Googling the question first that the Colts’ quarterback and MVP of the big game was a guy named “Otto Graham.”

This sports-related blind spot in my trivia knowledge also explains why I was so far off track when trying to guess what Wimbledon (the tennis tournament in England, not the town in North Dakota) has in common with the porn industry.

According to the article at the link, Wimbledon is like the porn industry because in the tournament, female players make more money per hour if they win than the male players do. Among other things, I have to admit until reading this, I had no idea porn performers only make money if they “win” each scene in which they appear. This seems pretty unfair to the equally hardworking (or, at least, equally hard-fucking) performers who try with all their heart, but still come up short in the final erotic tally.

At any rate, before reading the article to reveal the right answer, I came up with some guesses of my own. I believe they should count as correct responses, because even though none of them is the precise answer the author of the article had in mind, they’re just as accurate.

My first guess was that, just like the porn industry, Wimbledon doesn’t require tennis players to wear condoms during their performances.

While this does leave a guy like Andy Murray open to contracting STDs during particularly heated serve and volley exchanges, if he were forced to wear a condom during play, it would undoubtedly cause a great deal of chafing, which would severely hamper his movement on the court and make him frown uncontrollably. Heaven knows Murray can’t afford to be less photogenic than he already is.

If not the condom thing, my next guess was that while most viewers probably watch for the much-celebrated one-on-one match-ups, just as in porn, at Wimbledon there’s also plenty of group action — including the provocatively titled “mixed doubles” competition, which I assume is some sort of interracial thing involving the Williams sisters and a couple guys from Croatia and/or Sweden.

A few theories came to mind, but I eventually had to discard them. The notion each tennis match concludes with the winning player ejaculating on the face of their vanquished opponent just didn’t work. I found no evidence to suggest Serena Williams is a “squirter,” so this guess was quickly set aside. Of course, to properly research this theory, I’d need to follow someone like Novak Djokovich into the locker room in person after each match — but I’m pretty sure this would violate the terms of my parole.

While my “tennis money shot” theory didn’t get far, it did lead me to another obvious similarity between Wimbledon and the porn industry: Evidently, both encourage women to make all kinds of wild, animalistic noises during their performances.

True, some tennis fans are very bothered by all the grunting and groaning, but this is true of porn viewers as well. Many porn viewers dislike obviously faked orgasms. In each case, though, the aversion to trumped-up noise-making hasn’t caused a decline in viewership extreme enough to force tennis authorities or porn producers to address the issue in any real way.

So there you have it, folks: Four more ways Wimbledon is like the porn industry. Next time in Porn Comparisons Quarterly, we’ll look at the striking similarities between buzkashi and bukkake. Don’t worry, though: There will be no cumming on goat carcasses, I promise.

 

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Ben Suroeste

Gene Zorkin has been covering legal and political issues for various adult publications (and under a variety of pen names) since 2002.

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