Some Country Blocking 400,000 Porn Sites, Or Something

SexWordsWarning: satire ahead.

KARACHI, or maybe NEW DELHI, or possibly KUALA LUMPUR – In a major crackdown of some kind, some country or another is planning to block more than 400,000 pornographic websites, or something.

“While the internet is an informational resource of unprecedented size and one of its greatest merits is it serves as the most expansive free marketplace of ideas in human history, some ideas are just too gross and nasty to allow people to consider,” said some bureaucrat who probably just finished watching a gangbang on his tablet immediately before hosting the press conference. “Just the other day, I caught one of my employees masturbating in an office supply closet while watching a Sunny Leone video. Clearly, this is not the proper use of a supply closet.”

The government official, who may or may not have been wearing a hat with tassels on it, added he knew of “no other expressive genre” that leads otherwise decent men to fondle themselves in close proximity to boxes of staples and bottles of Wite-Out.

Critics were probably quick to point out the country in question has bigger problems, possibly including poverty, low literacy rates or maybe a lack of potable water — and these problems simply can’t be solved by blocking access to Pornhub.

“This is an unconscionable violation of the civil rights of our citizens,” said some academic, most likely. “Censorship is never the answer — unless it’s censorship of someone from an opposing political party whose policy positions I oppose and who is being a total dick about issues of race, class or gender. In such cases, idiots like that just need to shut up and go away, obviously.”

Then some guy from a “think tank” probably chimed in, trying to sound all smart and objective, but also using irritating buzzwords and vague, multisyllabic terms instead of just saying what he thinks in plain English — or plain Urdu, or plain Hindi or whatever.

“On the one hand, the government’s concern over the potential contaminative effect of sexually explicit materials on the nation’s youth is not without rational foundation,” the so-called analyst likely said. “On the other hand, if they really want to establish synergy and encourage buy-in on the part of the nation’s youth, officials should learn more about youth culture and get a better feel for their core competencies; otherwise the government risks ostracizing a lot of young people who think outside the box — and occasionally masturbate inside of one, evidently.”

Doubtlessly, some unhappy consumers have spoken up, as well, primarily by way of social media.

“Gov censrshp never the answer; how bout respect freedom choice for change,” tweeted some guy, I’ll bet — although there was probably a hashtag in there somewhere, too, like “#freeexpression” or “#gimmebackmyporn.”

Of course, other people in whatever country it is that plans to block a small percentage of the total number of porn sites out there will be pleased to hear about the impending crackdown, maybe even saying “It’s about time they did something about all this online smut,” or “Good — porn encourages human trafficking, the objectification of women and the rejection of God,” or some shit like that.

At least one person may have claimed blocking the sites isn’t really censorship, because “they aren’t saying you can’t make porn. They’re just saying people aren’t allowed to watch it once you’ve made the porn — and there’s a big difference.”

Then the academic dickhead popped back up to opine the above comment is “total nonsense” and “completely misapprehends both the meaning and goal of censorship.”

At this point, the bureaucrat who made the announcement in the first place came back into the picture to say something like “we know a lot of people won’t be happy about this, but we can’t give in to public pressure when protecting the people from external enemies is one of our most important jobs as a government.”

Of course, there will be people within the very same government who are “already wavering” in their commitment to the porn-blocking effort after finding out the filter also will block a bunch of stuff that isn’t porn but involves things often seen in porn — like nipples, unclothed hips and other parts of women’s bodies that for some reason make a lot of men in politics profoundly uncomfortable in any context.

“It’s very unfortunate the government can’t find a way to block pornography — an effort I loudly applaud and wholeheartedly support — without also blocking access to my gynecologist’s website,” said a female minister from the unnamed country’s parliament, or senate, or diet or whatever the fuck they call it there. “Also, is there really no way to differentiate websites offering useful information about mammograms from websites like BigTitDesis.ngono?

“Our country is filled with computer nerds, hackers and other highly proficient cybercriminals, and not one of them can manage to write such a script?” the female politician probably added, appearing understandably flabbergasted, assuming that word means what I think it does.

Anyway, while the government official doubtlessly declined to say exactly when the controversial mass blocking of adult-ish websites will begin, he likely promised it would be “implemented with all due speed and appropriate urgency,” or some vague, meaningless shit like that.

Watch this space for updates on this possibly important story — or don’t. It’s entirely up to you.

It’s a free country, after all (presumably).

 

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Ben Suroeste

Gene Zorkin has been covering legal and political issues for various adult publications (and under a variety of pen names) since 2002.

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