Warning: satire ahead

By Councillor Peter Shotton
Special to YNOT

CARDIFF, Wales – If I had to guess, I’d surmise just about the last thing on the mind of the average American at any given moment is the state of things in Wales. In fact, if we’re being honest, I’m guessing upon hearing the name of my home country, the first thing that comes to most Americans is a massive aquatic mammal — which they most likely (and erroneously) think of as a giant fish.

Right now, however, Americans should be paying attention to Wales, because something terrible is happening here, and it’s exactly the sort of government overreach and oppression that could easily cross borders, or even oceans, if it’s not immediately nipped in the bud.

And what is this threat to freedom of which you should be aware, you ask? Well, as I type this, even though I’m an important Councillor representing the glorious Vale of Glamorgan, I’m not permitted to surf pornographic websites or other “inappropriate” content whilst I’m at work.

Yes, believe it or not, despite my position of immense authority and power, a set of absurd rules put in place by the Welsh Local Government Association (WLGA) requires highly restrictive content filters to be installed on the computers and mobile devices used by members of the Welsh government. Making matters much, much worse, the WLGA is now running about telling the media what sort of sites members of the government have been trying to access, as though it’s their business, just because they filed some sort of “freedom of information” request.

First off, just because some random sap voted for me, this doesn’t give him a right to know I’ve been unsuccessfully attempting to access on my government-issued laptop spanking videos in which lovely young lasses smack older gents on the bum with ping-pong paddles, any more than I should get a look at his browser history just because he lives in my district.

More importantly, if you know the first thing about Welshmen like myself, it’s that you don’t go messing about with our fetishes lightly. We Welshmen are a hardworking, driven people. We get quite frustrated and irate when we’re deprived of life’s little pleasures, like watching six girls hold down a man whilst tickling him with feather dusters and jamming large plastic beads up his arsehole.

So, why should Americans care about some Welsh Councillor being deprived of his favorite masturbatory materials, especially when he’s only being blocked on government-issued devices and government-owned networks?

The answer is simple: The infamous “slippery slope” of which you’ve heard so much runs downhill from the U.K. — and in this case, it’s slanted in the precise direction of Washington, D.C.

If you know your legal and legislative history (and I’m quite certain Americans do not) then you already know how English law and jurisprudence have informed the same in America. The entire notion of legal precedent and common law was founded in the U.K., then exported to the colonies along with all those wig-wearing men in funny looking knickers who have been immortalized in the paintings you saw in those ludicrous, fictional “history books” used in American grammar schools.

To this day, your legislators, courts and academics often look across the pond to the U.K. for guidance and inspiration. When American legislators propose new laws for blocking and filtering online content, for example, they will often point to porn-blocking efforts in the U.K. to argue such filtering is not just the province of more oppressive states like Iran and China.

While I realize Americans have no particular influence over the policies and actions of foreign government groups like the WLGA, we could really use your support on this important issue of free speech and expressive liberty. Perhaps you could send an email, or start a petition, or whatever it is you Americans do to get your government’s attention, asking your congressperson, or your new president-elect, or whomever, to come talk some sense into our officials here?

While it’s admittedly worse than unseemly to follow a request for help with what could be construed as a threat, I’m a desperate man, so here it goes. If this intolerable situation continues and I’m subjected to porn-blocking in continuing fashion, I’ll have no choice but to employ the most potent weapon available to me: My wife’s cooking.

Yes, you heard me right; if you Americans (or someone working on your behalf) can’t get my bosses to get rid of this dual policy disaster — blocking my porn on the one hand, whilst telling the public what I’ve been trying to look at on the other — I’m going to package up thousands of Aelwen’s Glamorgan sausages and ship them to random American recipients.

This might not sound so bad on its face, but what you don’t know is instead of Caerphilly cheese, leeks and breadcrumbs, my beloved Aelwen uses pureed seaweed, small bits of herring and dried raisins, yielding a taste somewhere between that of rakfisk and sun-bleached rubber.

Believe me, I’m not proud it has come to this for me, literally begging and cajoling a group of American strangers for help just so I can watch the occasional face-sitting video at my work desk, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Of course, if you can live with the idea of terrible food arriving unannounced on your doorstep, you can always ignore my plea. If you so choose, however, please be aware I have other arrows in my quiver, as it were: My mother’s cooking is even worse.

Peter Shotton is a Welsh Councillor representing the Vale of Glamorgan. In his spare time, he enjoys deep sea fishing, rooting for the Cardiff City Bluebirds and masturbating to spanking, tickling and/or face-sitting videos.