Did Porn Cause Downfall of ICT Football Club?

Perhaps Inverness signed veteran forward John Baird this off-season hoping at his (relatively) advanced age, he’s mature and centered enough to focus on aggressive, positive play, as opposed to buttfucking or blowbang vids.INVERNESS, Scotland – In the high-pressure world of professional football (“soccer,” to Americans), a team’s every move is monitored, scrutinized and dissected by the media, the club’s supporters and their opponents. From pre-match predictions to post-game analysis of their own performances, club managers, players, owners and staff members are put under a microscope on a daily basis.

Given this, it’s probably best if your team’s official Twitter account doesn’t go around liking videos on Pornhub.

“The ICT Board of Directors are aware that on the evening of 27 July 2017, there was activity on the official club Twitter account which we deem to be entirely inappropriate and unacceptable,” the Inverness Caledonian Thistle Football Club said in a statement. “Procedures kicked in to remove the offending material and immediately lock down the account. ICT has notified the appropriate authorities and a formal investigation is underway.”

A “formal investigation,” eh? Sounds serious — but probably not as serious as the need to drag their club’s collective ass out of the second-tier Scottish Championship and back into the big leagues of the Scottish Premiership.

But wait… What if these two problems are related? What if it was a fondness for porn that sent Inverness spiraling down into the Championship to begin with? Might this possibility be the very thing the formal investigation is pursuing?

While it may seem far-fetched to think a team-wide porn addiction was the cause of Inverness collecting only 34 points in a 38-game campaign and winning only seven matches against 18 losses and 13 draws, consider this: How much investigation would it take to determine which Inverness FC staffer clicked the “Like” button on a Pornhub video? To me, this seems like a query that would take approximately 47 seconds.

Far more likely, at least to my suspicious mind, is the possibility the club is going to plunge kneepad-deep into its entire team’s browser history and mobile usage, ferreting out any indication of them being so inundated with MILF videos, blowjob clips and animated cumshot gifs they literally can’t keep their eye on the ball.

Perhaps Inverness signed veteran forward John Baird this off-season hoping at his (relatively) advanced age, he’s mature and centered enough to focus on aggressive, positive play, as opposed to buttfucking or blowbang vids.

And what of their former Player of the Season, goalkeeper Ryan Esson? Did adding coaching responsibilities to his role at the club put so much pressure on his shoulders he was forced to seek solace in hardcore smut? If so, was his porn-addled mind a contributing factor in his squad conceding a league-high 71 goals last season?

The more I think about it, the more I suspect the sleaze of internet porn has reduced the “Pride of the Highlands” to just another haphazard clump of Scottish thistle.

It has been just over two years since Inverness captured the Scottish Cup (which, by the way, appears to have a permanent lid on it, substantially limiting its utility as an actual cup), clinching the trophy with a 2-1 triumph over Falkirk. What, other than the scourge of internet porn, could possibly explain such a rapid fall from football grace?

Of course, it’s always possible the Twitter-liking of a Pornhub video by the official Inverness account has some other explanation, like a hack, or perhaps a “rogue friend” of the team’s social media director. These things happen all the time after all, although it’s more typical for them to happen to politicians and basketball players than Scottish football clubs.

Whatever the case, I’m confident this official investigation will bring the truth to light — and so is the board of directors for Inverness FC.

“The club will revert with more information upon conclusion of the investigation,” the Board said in its recent statement. “The ICT Board of Directors assure our staff and supporters that we will take all steps to identify the circumstances of this infringement and that steps will be taken to prevent recurrence.”

Godspeed, ye intrepid and official Twitter Porn-Like investigators, Godspeed.

 

About the Author

Ben Suroeste

Gene Zorkin has been covering legal and political issues for various adult publications (and under a variety of pen names) since 2002.

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