But Will I be Able to Withdraw Porn at the Bank?

palace guardLONDON – As a soon-to-be American expatriate planning on taking up residence in London once Crooked Hillary is done stealing the election from the one person alive who can save America from taco trucks, I’ve been studying up on life in the UK.

So far, one of the most important things I’ve learned is while the English use many of the same words we Americans do, they often mean different things by those words. For instance, in England, elevators are “lifts,” trucks are “lorries” and the severely mentally handicapped are called “Members of Parliament.”

They also have a bunch of different rules about online porn in England, most of which I can’t really claim to fully understand. This much I do know, however: If I want to watch a chick sit on a guy’s face until he’s gasping for air through the strained fabric of her yoga tights, I’m going to have to use Tor.

Potentially making things even more complicated, there’s apparently now some kind of movement to establish an age-verification system, and it supposedly involves creating a database of individual user’s pornographic preferences.

While a lot of privacy advocates, government watchdogs, dopey college kids and other people who habitually wear Birkenstocks have expressed concern about the proposed age-and-kink-verification scheme, most of my questions about the new system are practical in nature.

For example, while I’m not too worried about Joe Public finding out I conduct quite a lot of searches for videos featuring Hispanic men being penetrated by phallus-like vegetables, I do wonder if I’m ever going to be able to purchase such videos at the supermarket — or as they call them in England, a “tobacconist’s shop.”

Similarly, I’m not at all bothered by the idea of having an online ID that identifies me as an adult and is also connected to my banking information, so long as there’s some accompanying and relevant benefit, like being able to withdraw anal porn videos from my checking account. (I figure they must call those damn machines “ATMs” for a reason, right?)

The other thing I’m not sure about is whether being an American means I’m exempted from all these British porn laws, or if I’m going to be required to abide by them anyway, despite being far, far less inbred than all my new neighbors.

You know, it really seems like the U.S. government should have come to some sort of arrangement with the U.K. to allow our citizens to continue to exercise their First Amendment right to watch facesitting videos even when they’re in England at the time. Obviously, the British would have to get something in exchange for this allowance, like being permitted to continue using the word “football” to refer to soccer even when they’re within U.S. borders, or a law against Americans ridiculing them for calling freedom fries “chips” and potato chips “crisps.”

If there’s one thing on which the U.K. authorities and I agree, however, it’s that so-called BDSM should be banned outright. That stuff is just deplorable, disgusting and degrading — assuming I’m right that BDSM is the Syrian terrorist group that should have the shit bombed out of it but probably won’t because it was founded by either the current weak, ineffectual-yet-brutishly-totalitarian U.S. President, or the heartless, criminal, email-deleting harpy who is about to steal the upcoming election.

Regardless of what BDSM may (or may not) stand for, I’m also none too fond of BASF, mostly because they refuse to tell me what products they make, instead insisting they just make them “bluer,” or “tougher,” or “lighter,” or whatever the fuck. Just tell me what you sell, you evil bastards. I’ll be the one who decides whether it’s blue, tough and/or light enough.

At any rate, my point is this: Regardless how inconvenient porn surfing may become in the U.K., I’m still going to make it my new home. After all, even if they can prevent me from watching face-sitting, they can’t very well stop me from listening to CDs.

 

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Ben Suroeste

Gene Zorkin has been covering legal and political issues for various adult publications (and under a variety of pen names) since 2002.

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