This Smutty Outrage Cannot Stand

porn on iPhone 7By Deependu Phuntsok
Special to YNOT

BANGALORE – While I know many Americans are unsettled about the outcome of their country’s Presidential election, if you think that’s bad, you should see what’s happening in my home province of Karnataka. Here, a man who is profoundly morally unfit for office has been caught in behavior so shocking, so disgusting, it makes Punjabi cuisine look tasteful by comparison.

What did this man, Tanveer Sait, do, you ask? I almost hesitate to write the answer, so reprehensible were his actions. Sait, who serves as the Primary and Higher Education Minister in Karnataka, was caught looking at images which might have been pornography!

While all the published reports containing the offending images have been censored and blurred, I remain convinced the depictions were, in fact, hideously pornographic. Otherwise, why would they have been blurred out by the media and described as containing people who are “nude,” or at least “half-naked”?

Even if the images turn out not to be hardcore porn, as a member of the Indian National Congress, Sait should have exercised better judgment. How could he carelessly look at things on his phone in public, knowing how easy it would be for anyone with a camera and Photoshop to make it look like he was watching porn? The imprudence is stunning — much like Indian women who carelessly allow themselves to be seen in public by men, thereby causing all sorts of sex crimes and problems with the economy.

Even if all he was looking at was pictures of puppies and his wife’s Instagram food posts, Sait must step aside immediately in order to restore dignity to the office of Primary and Higher Education Minister.

It is not only me who believes Sait must resign immediately. Just read some of the comments from my distinguished, outraged and disgusted colleagues:

“If you’re going to watch porn during a victory celebration, one should at least have the courtesy to use a decent sized tablet so the fellows behind you can watch over your shoulder without getting eyestrain.” —Adesh Dolma, Minister of Railways

“That might have been the worst porno I’ve ever seen. Most of the girls kept their clothes on and nobody sucked a single penis. What a colossal waste of time.” —Bansidhar Metok, Minister of Chemicals and Fertilizers

“I’ve known Tanveer Sait for many years, and nobody is more surprised and disappointed by these allegations than am I. I know for a fact Tanveer has far better erotic materials at his disposal, because he never returned the copy of Bangalore Butt Bangers 7 I loaned him back in 2012.” —Pranab Jangchup, Minister of Health and Family Welfare

“What time does supper start? I could really go for a nice, big bowl of baingan bharta right about now. Also, I’m extremely shocked and thoroughly dismayed by this whole porno thing involving the chubby, bespectacled fellow from the education ministry, or so my aides tell me.” —Smiriti Singh, Minister of Social Justice and Empowerment

As you can see, the anger and indignation among my peers is almost beyond containing, especially when they’re hungry.

To be clear, I am not calling for the arrest and torture of Sait (yet), but should an angry mob of good and decent citizens of Karnataka take it upon themselves to march on his house, strip him naked, tie him to a post and fling stones at him until he looks like some kind of post-battering piñata, I would not blame them. Nothing I write should be interpreted as encouraging people to do these things, however. I will reserve such encouragement until my 8 p.m. meeting tonight with the leaders of the local angry mob, so I can deliver the encouragement in person, as is appropriate and customary.

I also want to assure our American allies, who recently elected a man who has vowed to crack down on internet pornography, we are on the same page as the new President-elect Donald J. Trump-Towers. In India, we too are wrestling with ways to crack down on pornography, and his tactic of grabbing women’s vaginas before they become porn stars might help.

Any assistance Americans can provide with respect to India’s anti-porn campaign would be most helpful — so long as it doesn’t come from the Bible, of course. I mean, let’s face it: The Christian God simply doesn’t have enough arms to tackle a massive international problem like porn.

 

Deependu Phuntsok is the president of the Kanartaka Bharatiya Janata Party, which might sound like fun, but actually has nothing to do with drinking booze or wearing togas.

 

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Ben Suroeste

Gene Zorkin has been covering legal and political issues for various adult publications (and under a variety of pen names) since 2002.

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